yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
