I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
