It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
