i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
What a dumb baby whore.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
