It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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