dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
