I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
