I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
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