Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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