Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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