Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
