mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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