That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
