my vag is so smooth its legendary
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Randomize
