I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
