Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
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