your room smells of hookers.
And success
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
