Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Are we still banned from the library?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
