You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
