So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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