im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
