Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
