Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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