if i can run in heels then i can drive
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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