his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
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A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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