I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
