I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
