I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
