Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
