Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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