I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
