it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i came on her dog
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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