you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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