I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
