this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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