just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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