dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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