office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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