We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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