How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
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