I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
