That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
