It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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