Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
