This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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