Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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