life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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