not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
