She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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