I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
