Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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