Jerry, you need to find god
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
