nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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