I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
