I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
