Already got asked if we're dating
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
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Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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