i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
My pussy is not your playground.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
