so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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