tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
