**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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